I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
