His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Randomize
