This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
