i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Just high enough for therapy.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize