great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Randomize
