CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Randomize
