I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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