My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
