So drunk, too bad you don't want this
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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