eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Randomize
