Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Randomize
