capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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