This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
