oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
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