I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
i may or may not be watching the land before time
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
