He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
