life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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