I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
