my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize
