I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
