I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
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