There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Randomize
