The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize