Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
her vagine was all disorganized.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Randomize
