bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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