You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize