The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
