Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
There's always time for handjobs
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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