Im at strip club and am horny
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
