Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
