Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize