When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Randomize
