I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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