Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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