I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
