So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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