I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Randomize
