Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Randomize
