Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Randomize
