Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
