my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
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