Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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