Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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