omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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