I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
