I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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