just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
