jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
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