Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I didn't shave. On purpose
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Randomize
