my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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