Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
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