If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Randomize
