dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
soo... how was my night?
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
