You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
