A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
