i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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