Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Randomize
