i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
