textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
