I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
