It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Randomize
